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Marriage Counseling Advice

My husband left me

Dear Dr. Ellen,
It has been 4 months since my husband left me. I was shocked and devastated when he told me that he had been having an affair for 6 months. I could not believe that he was throwing away 10 years of marriage, not to mention the pain he was causing our 8 and 10-year old children. I purchased your tapes and now I see why he had the affair and what I should have done differently. I admit that all my focus was on my children and my work. We had practically no sex life.

My question is "Is it too late to patch this up. He has not filed for divorce and hasn't brought the topic up. He comes over to see the kids on weekends. It seems like he's staying longer and it's getting harder to leave. I feel like sometimes we are getting closer and then he'll still leave. I often wonder what she says to him- how she must be dreading the thought of him leaving her to come back to his family. I am so unsure what to do. I love him so very much and I want to grow old with this man. Thank you so much.
- Christine

Dear Christine,
The only thing you can do, now that you are not living together, is to make the time count when he comes over to visit. Act happy, independent and busy with your life. Act like someone who he'd want to have an affair with. Do not be depressed and needy. I don't care if your heart is breaking, don't let him see that side anymore. When he says it's time to leave, say, "Okay, thanks for coming by" and seem anxious for him to leave or better yet, the next time, you make it a point to cut the visit short because you have plans.

The point is that your behavior has been so predictable and I'd like you to be UNPREDICTIBLE. Then he'll start to wonder what's going on. Maybe you've met someone? Have an air of mystery to you. The more time he spends with you, the more angry the other woman will get and he'll get tired of her moods. You have to act like the other woman. Compliment him, talk to him, treasure the little time you have together and make it count, then sweetly kiss him goodbye. No accusations, no making him feel guilty, and no pathetic, or sad behavior. The more fun you are to be with, and a pleasure to talk to, the less time he'll want to spend with the other woman. It may take some time, but you can do this!
- Dr. Ellen

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