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Weekly Advice Column: My Husband Doesn't Want ChildrenDear Dr. Ellen: My husband of 9 years has confessed that he never wants to have children. He is very happy the way things are now. I have always assumed that he wanted children, but just was not ready yet. He admits that he may have led me on for fear of approaching the situation. I'm just as much to blame since I never actually brought up the subject seriously. My problem now is to choose if I want children enough to leave my husband. How can I make that choice? I know and love my husband, and I dont know of any other option I could have. He won't change his mind about children, so this is all on my back. Please help. No one seems to know what to say. Thanks. - ShellyDear Shelly: I have always told people that there are only two deal breakers that you can't compromise on - religion and children. Many men do not want children but, for the sake of the happiness of their wife, agree to have a baby. The same is true for many women who do not really want children. In my own case, my husband would have been happy either way if having children was not something important to me. Now, he couldn't imagine his life without our children and grandchildren. You will notice that even in Hollywood, an older man who marries a younger woman, winds up having a new family with their young brides. For example, Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes and they now have a daughter even though he already has two adopted children. Michael Douglas, who already had grown children by his first wife, married Catherine Zeta-Jones. She claims that when they met, he said "I'd like to father your children." Joan Lundon, who already had grown children from a previous marriage and was in her 50's, had a second set of twins using a surrogate mother because her younger husband wanted children. I know a woman who has two sons and really wants a daughter. When she and her husband went to a gender fertility specialist, the doctor said that most women feel unfulfilled if they don't have a daughter and are the ones who drag their husbands to see him. The husbands are very happy having sons but simply go along for the ride! Then they wind up feeling that this is the biggest miracle of their lives as well. I know another woman who has two children and desires a third. Her husband does not want any more children but here is what he said, "Honey, you know that I don't want any more kids and how strongly I feel about that, but if you are going to feel unfulfilled for the rest of your life, then we'll have a third." They had a third child and he is a proud dad! My definition of true love is when someone else's happiness is just as important as your own. Obviously, your husband's happiness is important to you but is the reverse true? This is not something you can take a survey about. No one can tell you how much you either do or don't want a child. I can tell you this with absolute certainty: If you are starting to consider having a baby, that feeling is not going to go away. It will get stronger as more time goes by. The question you will have to ask yourself is, "If I give up having a child, will I resent my husband for the rest of my life?" If the answer is "Yes," then eventually your marriage will end. On the other hand, if your husband agrees to have a baby, the question will be, "Will he resent me for the rest of my life?" Now, you can see why I feel that having or not having children is usually a deal breaker for long term fulfillment in a marriage. This is a subject that has to be discussed by every couple before marriage. In your case it has to be discussed after the fact. Sometimes two wonderful people are simply not a match for each other. I have seen many men change their minds once they lose the best thing that ever happened to them. This is a decision you and only you can make. - Dr. Ellen |
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